Tips for identifying, managing bullies

In a CNN interview, a collection of experts identifies the behavior patterns of bullies; see how many categories you think Sandy Perry, president of the Affordable Housing Network of Santa Clara County, checked off during his trespass of the Santa Clara County Association Realtors (see article nearby).

What defines a person as a true bully, says Robert Sutton, a professor of management science at the Stanford University School of Engineering, is if they regularly make you feel "oppressed, humiliated, de-energized or belittled."

The brutish actions that often lead to those feelings, Sutton said, include personal insults, teasing jokes, threats, public shaming, rude interruptions, invasion of personal space or uninvited personal contact.

Preston Ni, the author of "How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People" and a communications professor at Foothill College outside San Francisco, has identified five types of adult bullies who use different techniques to inflict harm.

Tangible/material bully

These bullies use their formal power, such as being a boss or executive at a company, or material power, such as having legal authority or control over finances, to intimidate others.

Power is a dangerous thing, Sutton said. "If you're an a-hole and a winner, you are still a loser as a human being in my book."

Verbal bully

This type of bully shames and insults with words, often expressing constant criticism or using hostile teasing, Ni explained. Sometimes the language can be sexist, racist or homophobic, and can be threatening.

Passive-aggressive bully

It might not sound like bullying, said Ni, but in some ways, this method is the most cunning. This type of jerk behaves nicely on the surface, but stings subtly.Examples include toxic gossip, jokes and sarcasm at their victim's expense. A passive bully can roll their eyes, make rude facial gestures and ridicule their target by mimicking some small action. They can also socially or professionally isolate their prey, thus causing insecurity and anxiety.

Cyberbully

A huge problem today, cyberbullying can have lethal consequences for the young and vulnerable. Even mature and emotionally stable adults can be victims of harassing texts, emails and social media. Identity theft is another way of cyberbullying, Ni says.

Physical bully

This can range from simulating violence by raising a fist as if to strike, to throwing objects, to violent acts of physical, sexual and domestic abuse.

What if you're dealing with a chronic bully and it is completely disrupting your ability to enjoy your home or work? Then it's time to bring out the bigger guns.

Make a clean getaway

Sutton's first rule of surviving a toxic bully is escape, if you can. See if you can move your desk far away from the offender, or restrict your interactions.

Document every detail

Both Ni and Sutton say the most important thing you can do if you find yourself in an untenable situation with a chronic bully is to document the behavior. 

Write down exactly what happened when you get back to your desk, including exact quotes if possible. Were there any witnesses -- even passers-by? Write down their names and if you are comfortable, ask them to document what they saw or heard. Add the time, location and any circumstances that led to the behavior. Do it every time the harassment happens and build a file.

Are there any emails, voice messages or other evidence that can help build your case? Collect it immediately and create a formal way to archive it until you're ready to act. 

"Most bullies, most chronic bullies, pick on more than one person," said Ni, who coaches clients and counsels Fortune 500 companies. "When victims are willing to band together it helps because there is strength in numbers."

"Most bullies are cowards on the inside," Ni said. "They find weaker people to pick on because they know they can get away with it. I would say nine times out of 10 when you confront a bully from a position of strength, they back off right away.

"This has been my experience a great many times," Ni said, "both in dealing with aggressive people myself as well as helping my clients or my students deal with bullies."

Sutton agrees. "When people fight back alone, it doesn't work very well, but the bigger the posse, the more power and safety they have in the situation," he says. "The successful efforts against everything from abusive Catholic priests to Harvey Weinstein are good examples."

This article originally appeared on CNN. Read the whole thing here.

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